1.3 Honesty
One of the reasons I am frustrated with the current state of Christianity in America is that so much of the Christianity we see[1]–that is, the dominant conservative wing, have thrown their support behind policies and practices that support a mean, and even brutal society. It appears that they have sold their birthright as disciples of our God-Who-Is-Love, for a bowl of pottage. They have chosen to throw in their lot with a political leader who can deliver on some of their passionate, conservative goals,[2] but is normalizing the use of brutal means. This collapse of basic Christian practice in favor of an ends-justifies-the means ethic only works in the presence of a great deal of denial regarding the degradation of basic Christian principles.
Moving from the societal malaise of the day, I have also been frustrated with individuals stuck in dysfunctional lifestyles. As a pastor, I have sat with women trapped in abusive relationships, addicts trapped by their addictions, churches trapped by their focus on a previous generation’s spiritual concerns (and blindness to current issues driving a younger generation), and marveled at how stubbornly reluctant they have been at dealing with their situation.
If we want
- a society that is not famous for brutality, manipulative dishonesty, and intractable politics—and, if we do not want our children to grow up honoring such values,
- if we want people to be able to face the adversities that will inevitably come up in their personal lives
we need a different vision of life and of an approach to spirituality that builds that life. For people of faith, this requires defining and following a healthy spirituality.
The beginnings of any healthy spirituality and of any healthy faith is (to borrow vocabulary from Alcoholics Anonymous) a commitment to rigorous honesty.[3] This is important because denial sneaks up on us. People, both religious and not religious, are most often unaware of their denial. They do not see how their way of thinking holds them trapped in dysfunctional ways of being, or of how much their dysfunctional practices harm others. In the same way that conservative Christianity is unaware that their shift to an end-means social ethic is harming the world, individuals are often unaware of how their addiction, or controlling behavior, or unwillingness to address conflicted situations harms anyone—or at least anyone beyond themselves.
The antidote to denial is rigorous honesty.
Rigorous honesty is difficult, because it is different than brutal honesty. T. Walsh describes the difference this way:
(Rigorous) “Honesty refers to being truthful and transparent in your communication, while also considering the feelings and perspectives of others. Brutal honesty, on the other hand, involves conveying truths without any filtering or consideration of how those truths may affect someone emotionally. In practice, you may choose honesty to maintain relationships and foster trust, whereas brutal honesty might lead to unfiltered feedback that could potentially hurt others.”[4]
The difference between good, rigorous honest and brutal honesty should not be a foreign concept for any of us; nearly all cultures express their awareness of this. For instance, the Iñupiaq people of Alaska’s north slope hold Paaqłaktautaiññiq as one of their bedrock cultural values. Paaqłaktautaiññiq translates into English as avoidance of conflict. However, watching it in practice shows that there is more to this value than that. In practice it means dealing with conflict, but in a way that cares for the other person(s) and does not create unnecessary strife.
This means that if we want to do our best at avoiding unaware denial, we need to be open and transparent with ourselves—in our own internal thinking—and with others. However, we also need to be respectful (kind) to ourselves and to others. Respectful does not mean we cannot address what is true. It does recognize that people are normally doing the best they can in their current situation, with their current understanding of the world. Treating them with dignity recognizes this, and also is the only way to expect them to also listen constructively in return. Treating others with dignity also allows us to stand for our own position with our own dignity intact.
On the other hand, one honesty-related task that a sizable number find difficult is the ability to treat themselves with dignity. Both the Hebrew Scriptures and the New Testament teach that we should love our neighbors as ourselves.[5]
Indeed, it is my own observation that most of us follow this second commandment, whether we intend to or not. People who do not love (respect and give care to) others generally do not know how to love themselves, either.[6] Part of what these writings are meant to do is to help all who read it reaffirm their own value in the world, their worthiness to grow in spiritual health and learning, and their effectiveness at sharing themselves in the world in ways that build value and goodness into our way of life.
For now, however, I simply want to acknowledge that for some, honesty means beginning with an acceptance that they, and our society, is not what it should be, and that something needs to change. This kind of honesty forms the beginnings of one’s ability to confront denial.
In case you are wondering, there is at least one biblical account of Jesus checking for denial as a part of helping someone. I find it helpful when people make a fresh start on their own spiritual journey. Check out this scripture passage:
(John 5:2-8, NRSV)
Now in Jerusalem by the Sheep Gate there is a pool, called in Hebrew Beth-zatha, which has five porticoes. In these lay many invalids—blind, lame, and paralyzed. One man was there who had been ill for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he had been there a long time, he said to him, “Do you want to be made well?” The sick man answered him, “Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up; and while I am making my way, someone else steps down ahead of me.” Jesus said to him, “Stand up, take your mat and walk.” At once the man was made well, and he took up his mat and began to walk.
What attracts me to this passage is Jesus’ question to the sick man: “Do you want to be made well?” What a question! Why ask it? Surely this man wants to get well. Why wouldn’t he?
To understand this passage better, let me point out that the people of Jerusalem believed at the time that whenever the Spirit of God (Πνεῦμα in biblical Greek, can also mean wind or breath) of God stirred the waters of that particular pool, the first person to enter the pool would receive a healing. This is what the man meant when he told Jesus he wanted to get into the pool when the water was stirred up.
Even so, it was a good question. Jesus knew this man had been sick for 38 years. Yet, in all that time this man never went into the waters of healing. Why not?
This type of question needs to be asked of us, too, whenever we face a seemingly insurmountable problem. After a long period of time, what seems to be blocking us from addressing it? The same is true for intractable social issues. Why haven’t we addressed immigration, racism, gender issues, etc.? Are we in denial about something we are refusing to address?
Denial is always a temptation. The truth is that getting healed changes everything: our internal life, our family relationships, our way in the wider world. Denial of a serious issue in our lives, even one that hurts us and others, can make us seek easy ways of dealing with the situation, and even stick with the easy ways when they don’t work. It is scary to admit we were wrong, or that we need to become willing give up the way we are living now so that the hurting can stop. Giving up the way we are living now means trusting that there can be something better as we go through so much change.
It is a good question: Do you want to be made well?
Sometimes what we want is for the pain to go away, but not for our lives to change. Sometimes we feel trapped, unable to see any other way (indeed, I will write more about this in my next post). For now, though, the question is this: if there is a way, do you want to be made well?…And, because I am also writing from a social perspective, the question can be: Do you want to be a part of the solution for improving our society?
Actually, the two questions go together, but if you answered yes to either of these, you are the kind of person I am writing for.
In the case of the man at the pool in Jerusalem, when Jesus asked him if he wanted to be made well the man replied that he needed help getting into the pool, and no one would help. He had done his part; he had dragged himself to the healing site. He would need help to finish the job. So, Jesus provided for the man what he could not provide for himself, and healing resulted.
The question for us is whether we really want to be made well. As individuals, there are ways of dealing with situations like I have listed, above, but we have to be ready to say, “yes,” to the in-depth changes that go with it.
The same is true for societal change. Do we want a transparent, realistic and dignified way of dealing with one another in society, or do we want the ones with the most power and influence to stifle the voices unable to stand up to them? What do we want? There are ways forward for all situations, but all of them require an absolute commitment to honesty as a way of life.
Let me list a few things about challenges related to honesty that I see (I’m sure there are many more, but this should help as a first step in our thinking.):
On a personal level:
- How committed are you to honesty to yourself in your own life?
- Are you facing seemingly insurmountable problems? If so, what are the resources you should approach to help you with them? That is, just as the invalid in the scripture reading went to the healing pool in Jerusalem, have you been willing to go get the help you need?
- Have you been successful, really, in addressing the problem yourself? If not, are you willing to begin a path that allows for help beyond what you can provide alone?
On a social level:
- Our nation has been willing to elect people to the highest offices who have made lying an accepted part of our political discourse.
How willing are you to insist that candidates you support hold a high commitment to honesty? - Sometimes, even when honesty is said to be the motivation, we witness how common it has become for our political discourse to exhibit brutality and disrespectfulness.
How willing are you to make your own public discourse respectful, even in the midst of serious disagreement? - Many of our current politicians have made lying a blatant practice for intimidating and manipulating for political gain.
How can we hold accountable those politicians and public servants who are now in office, insisting on honesty as a part of the expected American way?
Related Quotes to Ponder:
Alcoholics Anonymous: The Big Book, Beginning of Chapter 5
“Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.
Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely
give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are
constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are
such unfortunates.”
Matthew 22:38-40, NRSV
“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul,
and with all your mind.’ This is the greatest and first commandment. And a
second is like it: ‘You shall your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two
commandments hang all the law and the prophets.”
John 8:44c
“When he (the Devil) lies, he speaks according to his own nature, for he is
a liar and the father of lies. But because I tell the truth, you do not believe
me.”
[1] Certainly not all. The liberal wing of the church seeks to be different and, in this politically conservative era, is clearly looking for a way to make their voice distinctive and heard.
[2] Observers have marveled for decades at how culture war proponents have succeeded at narrowing public Christianity to a few, key political issues such as abortion, LBGTQ rights, and education. Strangely, they have recently also lined up behind fearing immigrants
[3] Bible readers will want to point out that Scripture says The beginning of all wisdom is the honor of the Lord (Proverbs 1:7) which, of course is true. It is my premise, though, that we do not throw our whole heart to the Lord without some honesty causing us to recognize our need for God. This is also, I believe, why AA’s first step is acceptance that life is unmanageable on our own, and the second step is about coming to believe that God is the One who can help. It begins with some honesty about our situation.
[4] Found on Bromundlaw website: January 25, 2026.
[5] When asked what the greatest commandment was (is), Jesus gave two:
“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the greatest and first commandment. And a second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.”
(Matthew 22:38-40, NRSV)
[6] Actually, I believe this is always true. However, some people seem constitutionally incapable of love, either of self or of others. I believe this to be a major factor for certain forms of mental illness.